Christmas Fantasy Land (with photos)

Picture if you will, a magical holiday world full of excitement and wonder, of beautiful twinkling lights and amazing Christmas spirit. Now, stop imagining that because that's not what I'm here to talk about.
In the deep, dark woods of a rural Alabama trailer park lies a place known as Christmas Fantasy Land. The trailer park is aptly named "Shady Acres,"and therein lies a home occupied by a family named Blackmon.
Every year this family hosts a redneck feast for the eyes in the way of Christmas decorations. There you can find Santa's sleigh atop the Nativity, and a ferris wheel next to an homage to Bonnie and Clyde.  My girlfriends and I have a tradition of going to this place every year, and 2011 was no exception. It's hard to put this experience into words, but I will briefly try before showing the photos.
This year they had Snoopy and the Grinch alongside an oddly placed patriotic setup. There was an ice skating rink next to a multi-cultural display. There was a native American display near a country-line dancing scenario. (I never realized how much that group like to mingle.) To top it all off there was a stray cat that followed us around, that of all things, my son named, "Shame." Ironic considering that's what all of the adults felt for being there.
Enjoy the photos, but don't try to make sense of them. You'll get a migraine. There is also a poem at the end inspired by Twas the Night Before Christmas. It's a must read.

In all sincerity, our kids thought this place was amazing. 

Sign that displayed, "Only OR days 'till Christmas."

Not sure what this is. Possible moon landing. Possible 9-11 tribute. All I know is that they're wearing rain coats and football helmets.

Santa's Ho-Down

Because nothing says, "thank you," to the troops like free-hand acrylic paint on plywood.

My friend Mary Beth with a semi-inflated Grinch

No idea what's going on here. Pretty sure that's an igloo in the background.  Possible Middle Eastern theme going on...

My son with Shame admiring the wonderment of CFL. (You can interpret that a couple different ways.)

My friend Loren Leigh (LL) posing with the CFL newly upgraded sign. It used to be written in Sharpie on a piece of cardboard.

This was on the front porch. There are no words for this, but we were ALL photographed with it.

All aboard the Christmas Fantasy Land Express. Traveling non-stop to the WIC line. 

There was some Disney action happening here. Walt would be proud.

We also did a little Tebowing. Little did she know, MB was kneeling in dog poo. 

Ode to Christmas Fantasy Land

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Shady Acres trailer park

Some creatures were stirring out there in the dark.

Colored lights were hung from the clothesline with care

In hopes that spectators soon would be there. 

The Blackmons were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of meth-labs danced in their heads.

And Lori in her sweater, and LL in glitter shoes

laughed in the van while Mary Beth "tebowed" in poo.

Then out of the van there arose such a clatter

So they sprang to the window to see what was the matter.

Like a flash from the van to the front porch they flew,

and posed with our sign, "In memory of Ma-Ma. We love you."

From the steps of the porch they had quite a ball,

Then dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all.

They spoke not a word when a sign did display

In tensil and Sharpie, "God Bless the USA."

And placing their hands across their laughing mouths

They emitted chuckles heard all over the south.

They sprang back to the van and sped off in the dark

And threw up gravel all through the trailer park.

And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,

"Lock the doors so we all don't get murdered tonight."

Opryland Hotel Adventure

Our holiday cheer got a kick start over the last few days as we immersed ourselves in the grandeur that is the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. We visited the Dreamworks Madagascar Ice exhibit which was amazing in its own right. The giant ice slides at the end were a favorite of Brantley and Luke. I stayed far, far away from that slide. I was NOT going to break my by nose crashing into a block of ice.

Brantley enjoying the slide

Inside the ice exhibit it was a frigid eight degrees.  Some people wanted to take their time and see everything, but a quick walk through would've been good enough for me.  To my dismay, Luke was being defiant and Brantley decided to place him in timeout right then and there.  Considering the temperature I wondered who was REALLY being punished.

Time out

After the ice exhibit, we went back over to the hotel where Luke got to meet Po from Kung Fu Panda, Alex the lion, and King Julian from Madagascar, Shrek, Princess Fiona, and Puss in Boots. It was very magical, indeed. Luke also sat in Santa's lap and told him what he wanted for Christmas.

Puss in Boots with Luke

Santa was inquiring about those fancy shoes. 

MY favorite part of the trip would've been the beautiful hotel itself. If you've never been, it's worth the drive. Waterfalls, rivers, and tropical plants combined with streets of shopping, and restaurants, all under the same roof. We ate at the Jack Daniels restaurant after hearing very good things about it.  Two of the items I ordered off the menu plainly stated that they contained lard, to which I replied, "Yes, and yes. Thankyouverymuch!" A couple of hours later I was haunted by the ghost of my gallbladder, but it was totally worth it. Totally. Worth. It.

Out of everything he encountered on our stay, Luke's most favorite thing was the phone in out hotel room.  "Wook, Mom! It gots a cord."

Hope you're all making wonderful holiday memories with your loved ones. Merry Christmas!!

Luke-isms

This week Luke tried out a couple different gymnastics venues. The first place we went was not great to say the least, but Luke took it all in stride. Wanting to get an idea of what Luke could, and couldn't do the female instructor asked him to sit on the floor in a straddle position. Having no idea what  that meant, but not wanting to admit it, Luke raised his hand and interrupted her with, "Excuse me, sir, I cannot do a full straddle position because my wegs are too short."
Way to play it cool.

Pants On the Ground

Luke (3 yrs old) seems to be going through a stripper phase.  I can turn my back for one minute only to find that he has completely disrobed in record time. I try to choose my battles wisely so I only make an issue of it if we have company coming over. However, there is just no preparing for a random knock at the door.
Case in point, Daniel, the handsome exterminator, came by a couple of days ago to call on me (or treat our house for bugs, whatever). Luke walked up and said, "Hi," to which he responded, "Well, look who's got pants on!"

Jingle Bells by Luke (Video)

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, all for the way

Oh what fun Christmas

Oh jingle...

Jingle bells, Jingle bells, all for the way

Oh, what Christmas jingle bells are!"

(If you're having trouble viewing this on your mobile device click HERE.)

Luke-isms

I was showering when Luke (3 yrs. old) came stomping into my bathroom with his pants off and two thumbs up announcing, "Mommyyyyyyy, I did poo-poos in the potty!"
I panicked a little considering that this act usually requires assistance on my part. If I hadn't been in the shower I"m pretty sure I would've had a sweat mustache just from the anxiety.
I inquired as to whether he had completed the paperwork that is required afterward.
He responded with, "Nah, I not need to, Mom. It was just all happy down 'ere."
"Get in the bathtub NOW!"

Holiday Memories

This post is an oldie but a goody from a couple of years ago.  Get out the cocoa because it's about to get warm and fuzzy up in here, circa 1988!

I have fond memories of going to pick out a Christmas tree as a child. My parents, my two sisters and I would load up in our Dodge Omni and head out to what seemed like the wilderness. Most people bought their Christmas trees from a vendor in the Kroger parking lot, or went to a tree farm, but not us. Years later I would realize that we had actually been tree thieving trespassers on some strangers land, but what the hay. It was quality time together and that’s what mattered. 

One year in particular, we found the most perfect tree. It was just right in size and shape. My Dad cut it down and strapped it to the top of our car and the five of us loaded back in. We were on our way home when my dad slowed down and pointed to a different tree on the side of the road. “I think that one might be better than the one we just picked, but I’m not sure if it’s big enough. Lori, would you go stand next to it so we can see how big it is by comparison?”

“Sure, Daddy.” My sisters and I had been singing Christmas carols in the backseat, but I was happy to stop singing and oblige my father. I even felt special that he had asked me, rather than my older sister. I jumped out of the car and ran across the dirt road. When I located the particular tree I turned around to face the car. At that moment I knew I had been set up. My entire family waved out the window at me and I could hear them laughing as my dad sped away.

I was eight years old and all alone, standing next to someone else’s tree, on someone else’s property like a big jackass. It doesn’t get much worse than that. Down the road I saw my dad backing the car up to come back and get me. I considered not getting back in, but I didn’t have a lot of options. My family had a good laugh at my expense. “You should’ve seen your face,” and “That was so funny!” was all I heard the whole way home.

"Yeah," I thought. "Really funny". I wish the police had driven by. I could’ve told them what happened and my parents would’ve gone to jail on Christmas. Trespassing, stealing, and child neglect- that would show them. I made the ride home as unpleasant as possible for everyone by singing Christmas carols non-stop, and at the top of my lungs. An hour and twenty minutes later we arrived home and they all clamored out of the car. I may not have abandoned them on a deserted road, but I had gotten under their skin and I took solace in that. My real revenge would have to wait, though. I knew there was a jolly fat man watching and I needed to act the part.

Flash forward about twenty years to a slight fear of abandonment. Go figure.

Thanksgiving Day Revenge- Video Turkey Attacks

The turkey in this video has had it with Thanksgiving Day stereotypes.


(link) http://cnn.com/video/?/video/us/2011/10/07/turkey-attacks-producer.kxtv

Dare I say, happy turkey day!